Whew, it's been awhile.

Since Matthew has been home, I don't think I've slowed down once. We had the homecoming, family visiting, MJ's birthday party (which was a great success), the military ball, a Disney trip and now a trip to MN. I'm tired!

On top of all of the chaos, we've been through two rounds of fertility treatments. Neither worked. We're on the third right now. 150mg of Clomid. If this doesn't work... I don't know what we'll do. I mentioned adoption to Matthew and he just about immediately said no. He doesn't think he'll be able to love a baby (who's not really ours) as much as he loves MJ. I was really confused and a little hurt by that. I guess that could just be me being a woman, but... How can you not love a baby that you raise and care for and watch grow? It doesn't make sense to me. Especially with the love that I see in him day after day with Molly. But, hopefully this Clomid cycle will work and we won't have to worry about moving on to adoption.

On another note... We'll be leaving MN here on Saturday and then a whole new adventure begins. We're going to be selling our house that we're in now, so I had the brilliant idea of moving into the house that we rent out in Fayetteville after our tenants lease is up in September. It'll be easier to sell an empty house, I said. Ha! I wasn't thinking about how 'easy' it would be to move out of and into another house in just a couple of months. I know it'll be good when we're all done, but as of now? I'm dreading it. Maybe I can talk Kaitie and AM into coming over to help me pack! Haha! We'll see.

Anyway, Matthew's hiring conference is in January. I'm pretty nervous about this whole getting out of the military thing. I'm pretty sure that he is expecting some fairytale when it comes to finding and loving a career on the outside. He says things sometimes like, "I'd never have to deal with this outside of the Army." *insert my crazy look at him* I think he thinks that it's going to be a bizillion times easier, and that we'll find a high paying job right away. Mmhmm. Me? Not so much. I'm expecting about a $15,000 pay cut. At least. We'll see, though I suppose. I'll support him and stand by him where ever he goes.

So, that's pretty much it for now. I'm sure I'll be back soon. Especially after the chaos is over.

Things this deployment has taught me...

I was just thinking about this earlier, so I decided to put it here...

1. I can survive a year without my husband, but I never EVER want to do it again.

2. I learned how to fall in love with my husband over and over, even more than I ever thought I could, even with him being about 7000 miles away.

3. Raising a child "alone" is hard.

4. There are always people I can count on... even if those people are not the ones I expected to count on. If I call, they show up within a matter of minutes.

5. It's good to have really supportive, helpful, funny, friendly neighbors.

6. Putting together children's toys is not easy. I will no longer laugh at Matthew while he grumbles at another, seemingly simple, toy. Okay... I probably will, but I'll totally understand the grumbles.

7. Skype saves sanity.

8. Never forget even ONE thing at the grocery store, because you will have to unload a happy, sleeping infant. Again.

9. Dogs are really good to cuddle with when you're sad.

10. It's okay for the house to be messy. Spending time with your children is so much more special (and fun).

11. I can ask for help from friends.

12. Sometimes writing down how I'm feeling really helps.

13. I am stronger than I thought.

14. Toilet seats stay down and dry when there is no man in the house. Curious, really.

15. Finding really good friends from an online forum is possible and special. Especially when they let you vent whenever you want, no matter what it's about.

(I'll keep adding to this as I think of more...)

The end of R&R

For the past two weeks, we've pretended like everything was back to normal, but in the back of our minds... we knew this day was coming. Last night I couldn't sleep and now...

This wretched alarm clock is sounding off to let us know that it's time. Molly Jane is still sleeping peacefully, the dogs are still curled up and comfy and my heart is slowly beginning to ache.

I get out of bed and get ready. I know the feelings that are about to overwhelm me.
I walk in to the living room and he's already standing there in that uniform that he looks so handsome wearing. Any other day, I would wink and smile. Not today. Today I hate that uniform.

We get the dogs in their kennels and Molly Jane in her car seat. Damn this car for being warm already. I hate the engine for running. I know where this car is going.

We get in, I'm driving the speed limit and no faster. I know what happens when we arrive. I'm looking forward to the main stretch, though. I know there is always traffic, and there are tons of lights. Anything to stall so that I can hold his hand a little longer.

We drive in silence. Neither of us want to say goodbye. I just want time to slow down. I don't want to know that I'm kissing him goodbye. Just thinking about it is making a lump grow in my throat. I'm not going to cry, though. Not in front of him. He needs to know that I'm strong. I am strong.

What is wrong with this day?! The sun is coming up? Why? Not today. I need a friendly rain to hide the tears that I know are soon to come. Damn, another green light. We haven't caught one red one yet. Why isn't there any traffic? Where is everybody? I need delays! And where are the slow-poking drivers this morning? There isn't even a couple of them that I can pretend to get stuck behind. Ugh. I have to stop thinking about this... My eyes are starting to sting with tears again.

At least the music is right. I put this CD in last night. I guess subconsciously I knew that I'd need Ace and Percy and Otis today. Thank God for them. At least I know that I won't be lonely alone.

Damn, here's the exit. I hate this exit. Stupid 102. Worst number ever. Why can't this airport sign be smaller so that I can pretend to miss it? Still not ONE red light. How is this possible?

I'm not ready yet, but here goes. We park. We look into each others eyes. I'm fighting tears. He says he loves me. We kiss. All I can think is, "Oh, I love you too... More than you could ever know." All I can squeak out though is, "I love you back." He looks at Molly Jane. She's sleeping. He says, "Bye Molly Jane. I love you." He looks back at me. His blue eyes are welling up. I hate seeing him hurt. We smile. He gets out, grabs his bag from the trunk and waves bye through the window.

I turn to drive off. Here come the tears. They can fall now, I don't care. All I want to do is get home and climb in bed. I just want to cry and cuddle with Molly Jane. We can lay there together while I feel sorry for us and while my hatred for people who don't appreciate what he does - what we do - grows like wildfire. They aren't strong enough to handle this.

Suddenly, a tiny sneeze from the back seat and I look at her. She smiles. In that second, my eyes dry. I'm numb. What am I doing? I'm stronger than this. I've done it for the past 8 months. What's another 3 or 4? I swallow the last feeling of sadness and smile back at her. She laughs and then does her silly growl. I laugh too. We're happy. Incomplete, but happy.

He isn't even gone yet and already, I can't wait for him to be back.