It's time.

On days like this... I want another baby so badly. I can't decide if I'm sleep deprived and delusional because I only had about 4 hours of sleep last night, or if my heart (and mind) really are ready again. At first, Matthew and I talked about wanting time alone with just Molly, but then I thought to myself... How fair is that going to be to our next child who gets NO time with just us. I think it's time. When Matthew gets home... it's time. I don't want to hear anything about waiting or timing or anything like that. This is our decision. Not anyone else's. If you have anything nice or helpful to say though, feel free. :)

Matthew took command yesterday of D Troop and the ceremony went well, from what he told me. There was a little blip at the end, but we'll just keep that between Matthew and myself. (And everyone who attended the ceremony.) I'm so proud of him. I can't wait until he's back home so that he can spend all of his extra time with Molly and me. I can't even wait for those 2 blissful weeks of R&R that he has coming to him. I want him to be able to hold Molly, and love her, and squeeze her... and change dirty diapers and wash them and stuff them and bathe her. LOL I just want our family back together again. It's time.

The dogs are all laying down right now. MJ is napping in her crib. I just finished eating and now I want to take a nap too. It's time.

Texas, my Texas...

Well, we've been in Texas for almost a month now. Molly has done so many new things since we've been here. She is reaching for things and actually getting to them, she is stuffing both fists in her mouth, she is grabbing onto things and pulling... she is just growing too quickly. She will be four months in 3 days. FOUR months. Wow. I can't believe it. Time is just flying by. I can't decide whether that is a good thing, or a bad thing. I mean, it is a good thing, because Matthew will be home in, what will feel like, no time. It is bad though because my tiny little baby is growing up.

On a new baby note... I am ready. I want to be pregnant again. I want to feel a baby in my belly again. I want to experience labor and delivery again. I am ready. Now all I need is my husband to come back home! I tried to convince him to send a *ehem* sample home a while back and he just laughed. I guess I'll just have to wait for R&R. Then MAYBE... :)

Speaking of Matthew, he's down south finally and happy to be there. Me? I'm not so thrilled about the idea of him flying. I'm also not so sure about the whole FRG thing. I know I'm supposed to be all excited about it, and ready to jump in, but I'm just not. Not because I don't think that I'll enjoy it, but because with Molly Jane and the dogs already I have little time for myself. We'll see how things go.

Okay, that'll be it for now. I'll post again when we're back home! :)

HUGE Cloth Diaper Giveaway!

I am so excited about the cloth diaper giveaway from RockerByeBaby! The giveaway is so big and exciting that it is lasting for TWO WHOLE WEEKS! Hurry and get your entries in so that you can try to win this gift basket for your little one! Give your baby the gift of a fluffy booty! Everybody wins with CLOTH DIAPERS! :)

Bored

Well, Molly and I have been trying to keep ourselves busy lately by meeting new military wives and moms. We've met 8 different girls so far and they've all been great! Molly is sleeping through the night and eating like a champ. She's started cooing and lifting her head really well!

I've started my photography school and I am LOVING it! I can't wait to start doing shoots around here in North Carolina! I've got plenty scheduled back home, and I can't wait until July to do those! :)

We've been getting to talk to Matthew everyday - thank God! It really has been helping me to stay sane! Anyway, that's our update for now. Talk soon!

Big News

Well, I finally decided to get serious about my photography. Really serious. I've enrolled in the New York Institute of Photography! I'll start as soon as my materials get here! I'm very excited about the whole thing. The program covers everything from photography techniques to the business side of things! I'm ready. Now I just need a few subjects to get my portfolio together. Where should I start...? I guess when I go back to Texas I could do a few shoots for friends and family. That might be fun! :) I need to get a couple of new camera lenses too. I'm really excited about everything though. I can't wait to get started.

I've been getting to talk to Matthew everyday on skype, and we get to see each other on our webcams. I really wish I could just reach out and kiss him. I'm actually trying to convince Father Time to go ahead and make this year just fly by so that we can be back together sooner rather than later... Father Time is a stubborn man though.

Anyway, that's all I've got for now. Just wanted to let everyone know how excited I am!

Lately...

I've been thinking about writing about my life. All about me from beginning up until now and beyond... I think it would make an interesting story. Probably best seller material. But I don't think I'd ever publish it. I would probably make a whole lot of people angry, probably confuse even more and have some people who really end up hating me... because I would tell it all. Every detail, every secret, everything. I'd probably change names though. Then if those people figured out it was them that I was talking about, they could be pissed off in private. I don't know. Maybe I'm not even thinking straight. It is 4 in the morning here and I've been up since 2. These are the thoughts that crowd my mind and keep me awake. Wonderful.

Anyhow, life is going okay except for the fact that my husband is away from me and our daughter for a complete year. I hate that more than anything in the world. My heart shatters everytime I see him on the webcam staring at her with eyes full of love. I know it hurts him. He even said, "I wish I could just pick her up. It seems like she's right across the room from me..." God I hated hearing that. It broke my heart all over again. I can't wait for him to get home. I wish he wasn't missing all of the things that I'm getting to experience with Molly. Every grunt, every sigh, every yawn, every squeeze from her little hand, and yes... every dirty diaper. I just want to hand her to him so that he can smell how sweet she smells and he can feel how soft she is and he can give her kisses all over her little face like I get to. It isn't fair.

Molly is doing well though. She is getting so strong. I can't believe she's been on this wretched planet for a whole month now. She lifts her head up and stares at everything with such curiosity. I can't wait for her to start playing with toys, and laughing, and crawling and everything else that she's going to do! But I know I shouldn't wish this time away because it won't last long.

Anyhow... I'll make sure that I post here more often. I've been away too long. I'm sorry blog. I'll be better. I promise.

Well... It has been a while...

Sorry to those of you who actually keep up with my blog. Alot has been going on. I'm almost 31 weeks pregnant. Oh my gosh. Thirty. One. Weeks. Wow. That means Molly could be here in just 4 short weeks.

So what's been going on? I've gone into pre-term labor twice. The last time they gave me steroid shots for Molly's lungs to develop quicker, just in case she does decide to make an early entrance. They told me that at 35 weeks, they won't stop labor anymore. Whoa. Really? It's so crazy to me to think that Matthew and I will be parents in about a month. And... up until last night, I wasn't mentally prepared.

Last night I was thinking of how hard it was for me to hold my niece for the first time alone. I sat there sobbing because I couldn't believe that my baby brother had become a parent before I did when all I've EVER wanted out of life was to be a Mommy... I couldn't keep my composure. Once my step-mom came in to find me crying staring at Alexis wrapped up tightly, she asked me if I was wishing she was mine... At that point, I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to spoil Bubba and Chelsey's celebrating with the family while I sat upstairs crying. I had to leave... My heart was shattered thinking about my struggles with fertility, and thinking about the new relationship that I was in with Matthew, not knowing how long we would wait after being married to have children. He knew my heart was hurting because I called him as I drove around in tears... He calmed me as much as he could, but what do you say to a heartbroken woman who seems inconsolable? As I lay on the couch thinking about that day... my mind became completely at ease knowing that I have wanted Molly all of my life and I have nothing to fear. I know that I will be an amazing mother, if not for any other reason than all of the hurt that I have felt in coming to meet Molly. I know that the first time I see her, the first time that she touches my skin, the first time that I look into her eyes and then look over into my husbands eyes... that I will be complete. Now, I can't wait for her to be here.

So, I had a baby shower. It was nice to get to see everyone. I was extremely upset the day it happened though because I realized that only a handful of people had even LOOKED at my registry. I was so upset because THIS IS OUR FIRST CHILD. We don't need cutesy things, we need the necessities. Ugh. I was so, so, so upset. Then, I decided that there was nothing that we could do about it now, and I was thankful that I had decided to have the shower so early. Now Matthew and I have time to finish getting everything that we need for Molly. Not to mention that our parents have been EXTREMELY helpful in getting us the essentials. I wish we could make them understand how much every little package means to us... We really are blessed to have them...

So, I'm a member of themommyplaybook.com, and I love it. One of the girls there found a poem, and I wanted to include it in this post because it hit home so much...

There are women who become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or because I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.