Well... It has been a while...

Sorry to those of you who actually keep up with my blog. Alot has been going on. I'm almost 31 weeks pregnant. Oh my gosh. Thirty. One. Weeks. Wow. That means Molly could be here in just 4 short weeks.

So what's been going on? I've gone into pre-term labor twice. The last time they gave me steroid shots for Molly's lungs to develop quicker, just in case she does decide to make an early entrance. They told me that at 35 weeks, they won't stop labor anymore. Whoa. Really? It's so crazy to me to think that Matthew and I will be parents in about a month. And... up until last night, I wasn't mentally prepared.

Last night I was thinking of how hard it was for me to hold my niece for the first time alone. I sat there sobbing because I couldn't believe that my baby brother had become a parent before I did when all I've EVER wanted out of life was to be a Mommy... I couldn't keep my composure. Once my step-mom came in to find me crying staring at Alexis wrapped up tightly, she asked me if I was wishing she was mine... At that point, I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to spoil Bubba and Chelsey's celebrating with the family while I sat upstairs crying. I had to leave... My heart was shattered thinking about my struggles with fertility, and thinking about the new relationship that I was in with Matthew, not knowing how long we would wait after being married to have children. He knew my heart was hurting because I called him as I drove around in tears... He calmed me as much as he could, but what do you say to a heartbroken woman who seems inconsolable? As I lay on the couch thinking about that day... my mind became completely at ease knowing that I have wanted Molly all of my life and I have nothing to fear. I know that I will be an amazing mother, if not for any other reason than all of the hurt that I have felt in coming to meet Molly. I know that the first time I see her, the first time that she touches my skin, the first time that I look into her eyes and then look over into my husbands eyes... that I will be complete. Now, I can't wait for her to be here.

So, I had a baby shower. It was nice to get to see everyone. I was extremely upset the day it happened though because I realized that only a handful of people had even LOOKED at my registry. I was so upset because THIS IS OUR FIRST CHILD. We don't need cutesy things, we need the necessities. Ugh. I was so, so, so upset. Then, I decided that there was nothing that we could do about it now, and I was thankful that I had decided to have the shower so early. Now Matthew and I have time to finish getting everything that we need for Molly. Not to mention that our parents have been EXTREMELY helpful in getting us the essentials. I wish we could make them understand how much every little package means to us... We really are blessed to have them...

So, I'm a member of themommyplaybook.com, and I love it. One of the girls there found a poem, and I wanted to include it in this post because it hit home so much...

There are women who become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or because I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.